Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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