dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
