Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Vodka?
Forever.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
