you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
