if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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