when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
