someone get that fucking seahorse.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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