took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
