I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
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don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
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Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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