just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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