i wish my penis had a tongue
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
