While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
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I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize