I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
