omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
