he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
