DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
