Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
