At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
