I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
