I looked at my own cervix.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
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What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.