i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
