i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
