News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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