Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can text with my tongue
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.