I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme