Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
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the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
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i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far