Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
