Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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