dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
