just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i've created a new STD.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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