Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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