I'm pants shitting drunk right now
one two three fourrrrnication!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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