new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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