for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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