bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
