My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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