My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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