I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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