but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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