Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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