Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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