Yo dont text me then not text me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
