If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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