my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
