The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
