i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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