she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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