The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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