we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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