i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
