I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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