How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
you had me at cake vodka
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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