I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
