Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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