I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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