I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I deserve this hangover.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
