A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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