my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I came so hard my ears popped.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
