im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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